I started this on a whim after watching the Disney version of 'Cinderella' again. I certainly appreciate any and all reviews, although I don't need nitpicks so much as advice. Do tell me what you think, won't you?
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If the hall had ever been quiet before, it would have been thrice eclipsed by the silence that now seized us – all of us, down to the last hopeful woman. I knew that in this moment, I had the most to lose, and losing it I most certainly was.
She walked down the spotless marble steps, her silk train flowing out behind her like fresh milk. The absolute perfection of this stranger’s white gown almost made me sick, and I hadn’t even looked up to see what her face looked like yet.
Not that I needed to. The prince’s – my prince’s – expression told me that, by some horrible twist or twirl of fate, the woman’s face was somehow even more beautiful, even more perfect than her dress could ever manage to be. His pale green eyes, those eyes I knew so well, were staring at the newcomer, and only the gracefulness of his royal upbringing kept the poor man’s mouth from hanging open.
My heart wasn’t breaking, it was furious. Furious he could leave me so easily for a girl he’d never spoken to before in his life, furious that in one attracted moment, he could forget all about the woman he’d, more or less, pledged to marry. I wanted to run forward, pull him back as he advanced toward the beautiful stranger, but I was only just too proud for that.
“May I have this dance?” he asked her, so softly that I was surprised I heard. The minstrels seemed to remember what they were there for, and started up a waltz. I watched the prince and his new dance partner, and I knew at that moment exactly where my future was going. It was being crushed beneath those delicate little glass slippers she wore, flashing out from under her paper-white skirts every time she twirled elegantly around my prince.
Gentlemen began to lead ladies into the waltz, and I knew that soon, some stiff young nobleman would come and ask for a dance. I would have to pretend not to mind for the rest of the night that the only man I could ever love was holding another, better woman in his arms, and I knew without hesitation that I would be unable to play the part. I slipped through a half-open door, left so to let in the air, it seemed, and rushed out onto the balcony. Don’t cry, I ordered myself frantically, whatever you do, don’t cry! But the tears spilt over, pouring down my face unashamed. Father would whip me, and Mother would turn the other way, thoroughly embarrassed, if they could see their daughter now. I bit my lip, hoping the pain would distract me, and knowing that it wouldn’t.
My heart wasn’t breaking... there was just a rather sizable part tearing away and throwing itself off the balcony. I leant over the rail, looking down at the forest below, and let the cold night air calm me. The worst that could happen was the prince would marry the mystery woman, and forget all about me. I’d be married off to a fat old man with plenty of money and that would be the end of my parent’s troubles. Nothing to it, Mariadelle, nothing to it, I thought bitterly. I’d get to watch the children of the prince grow up and break hearts of their own, hear the gossip of what the new queen said to her king, and haul around the spawn of my own detestable husband. Wasn’t that what I’d been raised to become, the wife of an ugly old man? Yes, and I could play the part, I knew I could.
“My head aches,” I told the world, staring at my slipper-shod feet. It wasn’t the time to speak to myself, like I often did for comfort, but at the moment, I felt little for rules of etiquette. “I’m losing my prince and all I can think about is my sticky-tears face and my aching head. What’s the point in caring about a war when you’re only a forgotten pawn, a dispensable luxury?”
The moon shone down, and the quiet began slowly to strangle me. “Not that I mind,” I continued quickly, so as to discourage it. “I don’t mind at all, actually. I’m not often selfish like this, you know. My parents love to tell all their friends how boundlessly sweet and helpful I am. But one does not often want to show one’s best side when one’s world has just decided to destroy itself.” Another sob built up in my throat, and I had no more words to speak – so I let it tumble out, like an overexcited boy at the end of his lessons.
I had to stop, to go back inside and face the despicable night without protest. It was the lady’s way, to take whatever she’d been given and make use of it. Now it was my turn to do so, and I at once felt sympathy for the others who’d had to do so before me.
“On a beautiful night like this, Miss, what is such a pretty young lady as you got to be so sorrowful about?”
I swallowed my surprise, hoping that my face didn’t look so wet and red as it felt. It took a moment to force uninterested dignity onto my face, but I finally managed to turn and face the unexpected, and unwanted visitor.
“Your Majesty!” I breathed, curtsying quickly as I realized who the man before me was. “I – I…”
“If it’s any help to your loss of articulation, you could answer my question,” he said, smiling kindly. The expression on his face made me suppress a shudder, for it reminded me of the prince, inside and waltzing with his newfound lover.
“Oh, I… was merely out to take some air. I’m doubly sorry if I offended by disappearing, Your Majesty.” I looked again at my feet, blushing and knowing that if he were angry, I wasn’t cooling his temper.
“Doubly? Why doubly?”
“To you and… and – to your son.” At last, the mention of the prince broke me, and I half-collapsed onto the rail of the balcony, sobbing as my heart continued its merciless tearing.
To my surprise, the king didn’t growl in outrage at my horrible lapse in control, nor did he exit quickly. He stood, silent, waiting for me to regain composure, and when I finally did, he spoke. “So it was His Highness that upset you. How, my dear?” His voice was still kind, but grave, and I knew I’d have to say something before he marched back inside and tried to wring the secret out of his son.
“N-no, it wasn’t h-his f-fault, Your Majesty,” I whispered tremulously, and the serious set of his round face made me sure I’d have to speak much, and fast. “It is merely the ache of my heart that… upsets me, as you so graciously put it. The prince did nothing but choose a bride, and here I am, crying over naught! Please, go back in and enjoy the ball, and leave me to my tears.” Ordering the king, even if it were more of a request, was the most idiotic thing I’d ever done, but I was too grief-stricken to be subtle about it.
A warm hand clasped my thin shoulder, and I found myself staring into his vivid green eyes. If only it had been a swellheaded, foppish nobleman who’d found me out here! At least he wouldn’t have so closely resembled my prince… now, it seemed, her prince.
“You are the girl, then, that he’s been raving on about for so long? The one with ‘cocoa’ hair and ‘porcelain’ skin, and the ocean in her eyes?” he murmured, searching my face for an answer I wouldn’t willingly give. “Yes, I can see it, though you’d not wish me to. How many times I found him, staring wistfully out the window and towards your father’s manor! He was quite in love with you, Miss Tadstreet.”
If it had been anyone but the king himself, I would have pointed out the ‘was,’ the past tense he used to describe the prince’s love. “But now he has found another, Your Majesty, and I certainly hope they are happy together.” I wrenched away from his comforting hand and fled the balcony, back into the gaudy lights and clothes of my fellow women.
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It mayn't be the best start, but I promise it'll get better! Please tell me eksaktikully what you think! Er, 'exactly,' that is.
End of chapter
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140,545 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
I agree with the fist comment. It is refreshing to see a Cinderella story that is not overdone. However, I have read all 14chs. and I think something is missing. I like what you have done and I wish I could know what that 'something' is because your story is really good, and maybe I was paying to much attention to the plot than to your writing to figure it out, but while I was reading I was frequently confused.I am hoping that by rereading all the chapters it will help me understand and realize what that 'something' is.
hope you don't give up on this story. I think it could be published.
P.S, I think you should subtly establish the time period, and slow things down a bit. I don't think that starting the story with the ball and her losing her life to Cinderella was a good idea.
I would have liked to know what kind of relationship Mariadelle and the Prince had before he left her, it would help me sympathize with her more. And i feel like starting the story with the turning point of her life also helps in making the story feel rushed.
I know that it is boring writing those before parts but I think it helps the reader realize how much her life is changing and it also establishes character, I don't know what kind of man the prince is, I don't know what she loves about him. Establishing this would also help the reader compare the prince with Prince Charming. And they must be different or are they not?
I am very interested in your story and I hope that it can get better because it is almost perfect, in my opinion.
Probably just repeating what everyone else has said (being a newcomer and all to the story), but I had to just say some stuff.
1) I love, love, love how you didn't go with the classic "evil stepmother/sisters" POV for a retelling. Seriously, you have already earned major kudos with me for that. In fanfiction, this would be an "original character" you are writing about, but I'm perfectly willing to put up with it. You have originality on your side, baby!
2) The emotions were real in this piece, but they seemed to come rather quickly. I'm willing to read more and have them further explained (after all, this is the beginning of the story and we're sort of jumping in head first), but the emotions will need to be founded after a while.
3) Playing off the last two points, I love how someone noticed the "falling in love at first sight" thing. I mean, it's like no one else thinks this is weird. Except for his ex. Very lovely.
Nice. Very nice. I read on...
~GryphonFledgling
Wow! This was beautiful.
Seriously. Never have I ever loved a piece of work as much as I loved this. Honestly, I am at a loss of words. This was pretty amazing!! Umm...I really don' have a lot to actually review.
Most of it seems perfect. It has got a great flow and it definitely didn't lose my attention, not even at a single point. When I read it first, I was wondering if you're telling the story from Cinderella or the prince's POV, but it actually surprised me. It was a total outsider, who had never been shown in the story before, and trust me, it's a splendid idea! Makes 'prince Charming' look like a total jerk, and Cinderella a man stealer. lol.
I envy you for coming up with such an awesome chapter. I am totally going to read the rest of your chapters.You've probably had a thousand other comments saying it's great, but I just had to tell you how much I loved it!
Good Morning, Sela!
Wow, this was what I was actually looking for all morning. (your story, I mean.) Glass Slippers was a very delightful read. It's so sweet. I really want to read more.
But, I have one question, though. What year is this? Modern or the past?
You know, I laughed when she was speaking to herself. I'm sure everyone has those moments. I know I do. For one little mere moment, I thought the king was going to fall for Mariadelle. But, that can't happen can it? Oh, and I really want to know who's that mysterious woman is! I can't wait!
I was never really a Cinderella fan (my younger sister is), but I'm sure this novel of yours will get me into the spirits of the Disney classics. I was more of a Sleeping Beauty fan.
Anyway, Sela. I must go and read Chapter Two. Bye Bye! Oh, and a spectacular read, I must say.
Melly
This is one of those stories that turns the classic fairytale on its head
. Normally I find it hard to not cheer for the original heroine. However, I can easily do that for your Mariadelle. I love the idea that you made the 'love' between Mariadelle and the prince mutual. Makes it even a harder blow for her and gives us as readers a good reason to want her to be with the prince. I just hope that if she does in the end that Cinderella also ends up with someone. Purely because it would make me very happy 
. Lovely story keep up the great work. ~Laura
This is an incredible, amazing piece of work. I love that you wrote it from someone other than the stepsisters', step-mother's points of view.
The wording and imagery of the story was great, and the grammar was perfect besides a few tiny mistakes here and there.
Over all, it was great.
-alileah.(:
Wow! That was incredible! I felt like crying during some part of it! This is an AMAZING start. It was very... refreshing. Your grammar and spelling was very good. I really enjoy reading different angles of classic fairytales. I look forward to reading the rest of this. It was... wow... just WOW!
I believe that all i wanted to say to help was said already. i would just like you to know that this is the most amazing fantasy writing, or even just writing that i have seen so far. and you are only 13??? AMAZING! FABULOUS! ENCHANTING! I simply CANNOT wait for the next chapter. this is beautiful!
fantastic job!
Hi. Since you don't want nitpicks (and you've already had more than enough) I'll just add this: I think your intro could use some work. While I do enjoy stories that dive right into it, I would like just a tiny bit more here. It doesn't have to be some huge narration, just more setting, or describe how she herself was feeling in the prince's arms just before her heart crashed to the floor. You know? Give us an idea of who she is or where they are before bringing Cinderella in.
That said, I did enjoy it. I like how your MC tries to be so in control, yet fails miserably. Ordering the king around *snickers*
Otherwise, all you need is to write more. Which I see you already have - I'll try to get to it.
I Loved It. Loved It Loved It Loved It.
Honestly, i can't see anything wrong with it at all!
I really hope you continue it, it's a side of the Cinderella story i never would have happend upon!
Your vocab and what not is immaculate, throughly descriptive and heartbreaking *thumbs up* Well Done =D
I love the way that you write. You are able to put so much emotion in. I love it. I really like the emphasis on the way that she judges the new person right as she walks onto the floor. It makes the woman on the floor seems so much more majestic and beautiful. If the character has strong feeling just from the way she looks, then obviously her emotions of when/if she talks to the girl will be overpowering...she could hit her. Just kidding (you were looking for suggestions though). Also I actually saw the main character in the way that prince described her. If I were a boy I think my heart just might fall apart from desire to be with her. What does he look like though, the prince? I think all you mentioned is his green eyes, I want to know more. Even though I believe that you should keep it that way so that we want to read more, because whenever you (well, I) think of a price I think of a boy with features that make a girls melt, and a body that is perfectly plesant it makes you think of inapropriate things. He should be gentle and caring, but some what oblivious to minorly important things, like the color of her dress and how it is more vibrant than any others, or how her eyes dip down sheepeshly when he looks at her, or maybe her eyes look downtrodden when he even looks at another girl. How has he already promised his marriage to her, if he is still daydreaming about her and starring at her manor? That part didn't make sense, to me. I loved this piece, I am stopping to go read part two. Excited!
Hello there Sela! I see you've gotten quite a lot of reviews, but I hope you have room for a little more.
I love to give my two-cents worth.
Really, it's an excellent start for a novel! Methinks I shall go off to the next chapter and review, if I have time!
Like Lauren up there, I was worried at first that it was just another Cinderella story. But then as soon as you mentioned the glass slippers on the other woman, I was quite relieved. I think you started it off nicely; wonderful first sentence! However, it's a little bit confusing in a sort of frustrating way. You're not entirely sure what's going on, where they are, and whatnot. You begin to gather as the story moves along, but it may do some good to describe some more things here and there. Describe how packed the room is; is it full to capacity? Are people bumping into Mariadelle (how do you pronounce her name?) as they dance by? Are the womens' skirts poofy and ornate? What are the men wearing? Is it a masquerade? Why are they all there?
Another think kind of unclear is the relationship between Mariadelle and 'her prince'. I completely understand that this is just the first chapter and we're not expected to know ever little thing, but we should know enough not to be confused! As the reader, I thought that this was just some obsessed fangirl who thought the prince was 'hers' even though they'd only met that night. That kind of made me want to stop reading, because that's certainly how it seemed. OF course, as you read on, you realize that she's known the prince for quite some time, and she should be very angry this mysterious woman with the glass slippers is stealing her man! I would suggest mentioning how long they'd known each other, how long she thought he loved her and all that lovely stuff. Just so we catch the drift.
Aside from those, you've got a nice story beginning here. It really is quite the breath of fresh air from just normal ol' Cinderella. The characterization is probably the best part about this, especially for His Majesty. You can tell right off the bat he's not the stereotypical king, but a very gentlemanly, sweet man. Psh. If he were younger, I'd take him over the prince!
Anyway, it's a good thing this story had such good grammar and so little mistakes, otherwise I would've gone against your wishes and nitpicked.
-Holly
Hey Sela, Stella here! I love fairytales- and my pet interest is: what about the others? In my own retelling of Cinderella -going under major editing, one of the main characters is Charming's twin sister Juliet, and Anthony a.k.a. Buttons who you'll only probably know if you've ever seen a pantomime version. Anywho, thought I would take a look, and was delighted at the idea...
I. NITPICKS
grace, maybe, rather than gracefulness?
Slippers play a big part in this story -so describe hers! Are they velvet, silk... dancing slippers, wooden soled, daintily embroidered, ribboned, crimson, blue, bejewelled... the list goes on...
Right so...
III. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
Well, Charming might think it, but Mariadelle? Put yourself in her shoes, isn't she going to go through some denial first?
It might also be worth mentioning what Charming was doing before he saw Cinderella. Was he about to ask Mariadelle to dance, and then suddenly offered Cinderella his hand instead? Perhaps the waltz itself might be signifigant to Mariadelle and Charming -the tune, that is, and now Cinderella has taken it. It's always useful to use little things like that to work with the rejection, and also how Charming's love has moved from one to the other.
IV. OVERALL
Loved it. Off to Part Two.
Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x
You people are wa-a-a-a-a-a-ay too nice! -blush-
Yeah, I'm trying to get the third chapter on; it needs some serious editing. Thanks for the encouragement!
-SELA
P.S. Thailijah, when're we gonna see you 'gain? =DD
My sudden outbursts of spontaneous laughter turned into sadness, which makes me wonder if I should be reading this in my current condition.
Well done, dear Sela.
I'm glad you showed the obvious in Disney's flaws, with all it's happy endings. I am a little confused to as why the king would be reaching out to this one disappointed girl, when the prince probably broke other young girl's hearts. It seemed weird that he would be so kind as well, because from what I remember reading/watching in Cinderella, the king just wanted the prince to get married period.
Then again, the writing isn't supposed to be precise with the actual fairy tale.
Your writing is lovely and make me smile/shudder.
Cheerio!
-Thai
This is a really cool idea! Very different and interesting!
Poor girl, getting her love snatched away just like that. I liked this so i hope you write more! Good Job!
This is incredible. Really different for Cinderella and really good and enjoyable. The descriptions were great too. Great job =)
Hey Sela! I saw this on the front page and thought it looked interesting! I'm a sucker for fairytale-spin offs.
I shall try, but I am so bad at ignoring little things that bother me. Not that yours has very many, dear. 
In fact, quite the contrary! I loved it!
From the very beginning, we immediately know that the story takes place not in modern times, but in a era of flowing language. This is good! Many writers are tempted to keep the style of dialogue strictly in the quotation marks themselves, but having Mariadelle as the author makes it essential to bring her ton of voice even into the narration. Which you did beautifully. However, be careful about throwing in some more modern terms, such as 'almost made me sick' and using contractions. I suppose contractions aren't necessarily modern, but spelling them out as two words seems to add to the formality of the piece.
My only complaint (and it is but a small one) is that Mariadelle hates this beautiful stranger so immediately, we don't even get to see into her head while she's realized that she's about to lose her love to this woman. We don't have that moment where it hits her, or the seconds she's trying see through the throng of guests to catch a glimpse of the girl coming down the steps. We don't see her mind-numb with confusion on why her Prince is so tranzfixed. We just get her wave of fury. Which, mind you, is good. The fury is good! It's just, you could add a bit more towards the beginning on how she realized what was going on. Ya? 
I'm sorry. I can't resist. I'm OCD with my grammar. Please forgive me! 
So, you don't really want nitpicks?
Should be: My heart wasn't breaking; it was furious. Semi-colon because the part after the comma has a subject and a verb, and is therefore a complete thought.
The 'twirl' is quite repetitive, don't you think? It flows better without it.
I love that line. It's wonderful how you note the slippers for a second, but Mariadelle doesn't dwell on them, since they aren't the focus of her story.
~Evi
Thankies, y'all! I certainly am grateful for all the reviews. The next part should be on relatively soon... I hope. I have to write a short story for Lit. class, so the latest installment no. two will be up is - Monday? Hopefully not that late, but yeah.
Thanks again!
-SELA =DD
Yay! Another surprising piece from a land where Rick and Kayo used to rule on high! No more, I say, no more. Not that I don't truly adore Rick and Kayo, because I do. But they just didn't deserve so much power.
I found it quite brilliant. In that the language was incredible, the flow was good, and the characters were thoroughly visible. There was not a trace of Robert Louis Stevensons second most popular novel. Congratulations, my friend.
MY HUMBLE ADVICE: This was a good beginning/sketch. But it needs more space for the characters to truly be characters. I want to know exactly why she likes the Prince so much, and I want to know that his personality is intriguing and quite different from Disney debauchery. I want to know what the King is normally like, and if he is usually so understanding. I want to know if Cinderella actually has some thoughts in her head.
Mariadelle was good, so you probably don't need to do much with her other than show the other characters through her eyes. And are her eyes trustworthy?
Let me know if and when you edit/add more.
Cordially yours regard. Yours-not-to-reason-why-jameson!.
You've got amazing imagery and flow there. I love your point of view, and how you wrote this. There was definitely emotion in here. It could be that I'm tired, but I wanted to cry with her when I read this. I'm going to have to search pretty hard for something helpful to say about this; I found no flaws. Alas, I'm of little help here. Congratulations on this piece. Might you have more work? I would love to read it, so I'll go look.
You didn't want nit-picks, which are my speciality, but here I am glad to say I think there's no need of them. Grammar, vocab, spelling = perfect.
And now, the plot...
I was slightly wary at first because interpreting the Cinderella in every which way has been done to death by now, but thankfully this did not feature ol' Cinders as the MC. This was a very refreshing take on the fairytale. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one unimpressed with the prince's sudden 'love' for Cinderella.
This story could have been trashed with dramatic melancholy clichés, but you did not get bogged down there at all. The imagery was perfect (take, for example, "her silk train flowing out behind her like fresh milk") and there was a well-balanced mixture of stuff happening (dialogue, actions) and the first-person narrative of the MC's thoughts.
Only thing I would prefer is if you flesh out the character of the king a bit more. He seemed a bit... cardboard. Loved his portrayal of the MC's looks as described by the prince, however. Just shows his callous, fickle nature.
Thanks for the great read. I can't wait for more.